Wiping Grandpa off the Dog

September 2022

(based on a true story)

I like to see the job through properly, and this is what I was taught: 

“Make sure they go gently. No shoving”. 

Charon, who works in the rivers department, is always saying “For God’s sake Derek, get in, do them, and get out.” He’s a bugger, no looking back, no niceties.

But I am a bit ‘relational’ you see. Whereas he did one of those degree schemes – I think you can always tell. His dad was a postman. 

So my thing is I like to go the extra mile. I always go to the funeral or the burial of ashes . It  gives me chance to go to some unusual places. I’m a bit bored with Old Trafford though, if I’m honest. So many people scattered on that pitch it’s two feet higher. I have to leave the scythe in the car because I can’t take it through security,  which isn’t great in the summer because heat blunts it – and then I have to get it serviced- which is a right faff because the company who does it is in Sheffield. 

I did one half way up Snowdon a few weeks ago. 

I beg you to climb Snowdon in this thing it was a nightmare.

Anyway, I’m having a day off today. 

I was at Coniston at a scattering yesterday and honestly, for the first time, I’m starting to think about taking some time off.

The dead guy, Malcolm, had learned to sail on Coniston Water when he was a lad so they had brought his ashes back, to put him in the lake .

Nice ‘circle of life’ thing, right?

Except not one of them had a clue about wind direction. Or speed. Or the correct trajectory required to propel the cremated remains of a large adult male into a lake and not miss. So there they are -and the dog – covered in a light coating of the deceased. Wearing him. What an absolute shower of shite. And there I am standing there thinking,“Jeez this was unforeseen”, when I hear some folk walking up behind me, and there’s a pause, before one of them pipes up, “Malcolm? Is that you being wiped up off that dog ?“ And suddenly I’m surrounded and they are all chipping in and someone is saying “Seriously mate didn’t you teach them about wind direction?” And Malcolm , he is just laughing . Because he is both dead and simultaneously being wiped up off a Labrador’s ears with a damp cloth. I can appreciate it’s not how he imagined things would turn out. Despite that, I think he took it well. He didn’t recognise me. They never do. The family all went off smiling, the dead ones and the living, all walking along the shore at the edge of the lake. One set of footprints between the lot of them. None of them looking back. The dog was licking his chops. Another day at the existential coal face. It’s just one thing after another really isn’t it.