Treacle

A friend of mine left the lid off a jar of black treacle; and then put it back in the cupboard in front of the teabags.

I feel as if I could leave this story here for you to make up the rest yourself.

We were meant to be having a Zoom call.

“Sorry, I just need to change my clothes”

“What’s the matter?”

“I seem to be covered in treacle.”

Now the thing that you should know about my friend – apart from the fact that he often resembles Paddington Bear in a dog collar – is that he once tried to tap into the card reader at London Bridge station, using a piece of cheddar cheese he had mistaken for his wallet. He was alerted to his mistake when he caught sight of me - by this time on the underground side of the barrier - having what he could only presume was some kind of seizure. The type where the words ‘cheese’ and ‘wallet’ died strangled on the breeze.

”The change of clothes was necessary,” he explained, peering at me through the screen and sighing, “because I got treacle on my sleeve and then while I was sponging it off some of it went in my hair.” He looked down mournfully, before continuing, “Oh, and then I dropped the sticky cloth on my trousers.”

We talked for a bit. Well, he talked, and I made some incoherent wheezing noises, and then he went back, reluctantly, to his sticky task.

 He was soon back on ‘WhatsApp.’

“I cleaned the cupboard”

“Oh, well done.”

“But then I put the box of tea bags back without wiping the bottom of it - and now the cupboard is sticky again.”

Later on, another message.

 “I gave the cupboard another wipe. The mark from the teabag box is now gone but now the kitchen floor is all sticky.” 

“How did it get on the floor?”

“I don’t really know.”

I had barely recovered before another message arrived.

“I have located the source of the sticky kitchen floor.”

“Go on!”

“A bit of treacle had stuck to my slippers.”  

At this point, having nothing left- except an urge to Google, ‘Does treacle have a half life, like plutonium?’  - I suggested that he might just need to move house. I added that it could be worse, and that instead of living in Acton, he could be a resident of Minnesota, where I believe, there are a great many bears; all of whom would be delighted to see a man with treacle on his slippers. 

“I’m afraid I’ve a bit of a sense of humour failure “, he sighed wearily. “It’s covered in treacle; All of it shit.